WHY I DON’T TALK TO YOU

Why don’t I speak to you? It’s clear to see that you’re making every palatable effort just to talk to me. You’re apparently trying to act friendly to somebody who tries so hard to keep you invisible. What does it feel like to talk to a brick wall? Well, try to master the feeling and get used to it; you’ll be encountering that same feeling a lot more every time you try to talk to me.

I’ve been chasing you for five months. That’s right, five grueling months. I trusted you with anything and everything. It’s been weeks since I’ve been having this fever. I cannot eat properly and my eyes are sore for crying myself to sleep every night. I can’t believe you did this to me. You, of all people. You, who’ve said that you’re deathly afraid of losing me and hurting me. You who’ve stated that you’re thankful for having someone like me. You who’ve said that you’ll never go far away from me; even the skies would tell me that you need me so. You…

To tell you the truth, I’ve already forgiven you… Yeah, it may sound weird, but that’s true! Well, I did love you once upon a time, and every time you’ve hurt me, I’ve cried it out at night and smiled it out in the morning. Prayers for you always came first before my prayers for my true friends, my family, and yes, even myself. But then again, I cannot but ignore you.

I’m a man who, in the youngest of ages, have seen and felt things that even a grown man shouldn’t see in a lifetime. I know how it feels like when the Angel of Death stares at me face to face. I’ve downed every problem I had so far. Death no longer scares me. Darkness no longer haunts me. The unknown makes me laugh. I have no fear, or at least, it used to be that way. Now I have only one fear… YOU!

I’m afraid of YOU! You hurt me so bad that I can still feel my heart race like a supersonic jet every time I hear your name or see you walk by. I’m afraid that you’d hurt me again. I’m afraid that, when we start speaking to each other again, you’d lie to me again. It would have been fine if you would lie and never let me discover the truth. However, I, a human lie-detector, would eventually figure it out, and it hurts me so.

So now, you’re probably asking yourself, “When the heck have I ever lied to him?” I don’t know maybe you should just keep that question to yourself. Try to remember the definition of lying, “lying is when you say what you’re not supposed to say and when you don’t say what you’re supposed to say”. That should be enough of a definition for you…

You know what; you still mean the world to me right now. You’re still the first name that pops out of my head when the sun rises and the last thing that circles my head before my consciousness shuts down for sleep. That’s why every little thing you do hurts me so much. Even the smallest of lies and cheapest of tales hurt me so much. It cuts deep in me like an electric samurai through butter.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’ve got to move on. So many people are counting on me. So many lives are depending on me. The safety of the people I care for the most is in my hands. I don’t need a weakness right now. I don’t need someone who lets me second-guess my talents and abilities. I don’t need someone to cry over. In short, right now, I don’t need someone like you.

Please understand. It’s not your new girlfriend. It’s not your successful school life. It’s not the platoon of friends you carry around or the battalion of girls waiting at your doorstep. It’s simply between us. It’s between the events that have happened between us.

Honestly, the memories I’ve spent with you were, so far, some of the happiest in my life. I want to keep it that way. When I remember you, I want to remember not the hell you’ve put me through, but the heaven that I’ve shared with you.

I am, after all, once upon a time, your “best friend” and your “love”. I know you better than anyone in the world does. I know you better than your pretty face and your beautiful body. I know you better than your generic clothes, your baby cologne and your 99-peso lip gloss. I know who you are and what you truly feel about the world. That is why I can always say that, in this world, you cannot but lie. It’s what you do. It’s how you protect yourself. It’s how you defend yourself from getting hurt. It’s how you soften up your enemies before you go for the kill.

As sure as I am that one plus one equals zero, I’m sure that, when we speak again, you will lie to me. You’ll do it all over again, and I’ll feel this way all over again.

I, like you, have to protect myself. I’ll let my feelings for you pass. I’ll let time heal my broken heart and my shattered self-esteem. That way, when we talk again, you can lie all you want. You can even stand in front of me and tell me that you’re seated down. By that time, it wouldn’t matter to me anymore. It wouldn’t hurt me as much as it does right now. It wouldn’t cost me sleepless nights and lost appetites.

Someday, when I’ve lost my love for you, when I’ve forgotten all the things you’ve put me through, maybe we can start all over again. We could be friends.

Friendship is all I can offer you because I cannot trust you any longer. If you want my trust back that bad, work hard for it, as have I.

And one more thing… Why am I always grumpy whenever you’re around? It’s not because I haven’t forgiven you for fooling me, because I have. It’s because I haven’t forgiven myself yet for letting myself be fooled by you…

DILEMMA IN LOVE

First I saw him at our school a year ago. To tell you frankly I was just amazed because he's the typical boy every girl would appreciate including me. This may not sound that I am struggling but I would do everything just to be his friend. Later I found out that I have a strange feeling for him. Every time he goes along my way I make sure that I'm presentable and wear a smile. I never expected that this strange feeling of mine could turn my life topsy-turvy. There are times that I notice that he's depressed. So I'm having a hard time thinking what is boggling in his mind. I may not feel this way of being of being jealous of girls linked to him. Even though it seems farfetched. I'm hoping that someday he'll notice me. I always pray that he would return my feelings if not just as a friend. Funny, but I don't seem to care about what others say. All I care about is what I feel inside which indeed and caring love, put in good words. Can you imagine it in any other way? Who in pete's name could fail to notice those creamy skin, doe eyes, cherry-red lips and a mound of silky auburn hair?

If I could write a poem it would be for him. It would be entitled the "Ode for Skyler". If I could express what I feel in a thousand words I would start with ironic, insatiable, light, steamy, rewarding and very fulfilling. Fulfilling in a sense that I feel so warm with the feeling. That is how exactly I feel. I don't know if you can call this love, maybe more than just love. I can't express how I feel truly, but I tell you. I would love SKYLER till eternity.

I wish we could get a lot closer and we could know each other more. I don't know if it is due coincidence that when I feel blue and down he's always around. You may find it ironic that I, a simple human being, could give him more love than those beautiful girls around him.

Why do you think? Am I destined for him?

fashion tips for skinny guys...

I'll let you in on a secret: For skinny guys, finding the right clothes to wear is like working for Miranda Priestley. It is so hard that it might just kill you. No kidding.

It is surprising that even in a city like Manila, where almost half of the populace is small-framed, there is simply not enough places where a stylish skinny guy can buy tasteful clothes to wear. Almost non-existent, I dare say.

You see, if there is one style rule a skinny guy should adapt, it should be “NEVER wear anything that is LOOSE.” Not unless you want to look like a walking hanger, then by all means go. If not, then I strongly suggest that you take it from Hedi Slimane and start wearing it tight. However, if buying Dior Homme is way beyond your budget, then all you need is a little dose of creativity and resourcefulness.

Here are some tips:

1. Alter-ego. Treat your clothes to a makeover and have them altered to your own specifications. You want it to appear as if it was custom-made so be sure to let a professional do it. Try Alterations Plus or Fit Right (in Glorietta). Or even your friendly neighborhood modista.

2. Extra Small Challenge. For tees, buy 'XS'. But I'm warning you, though, it is really quite a challenge to find them. Most stores only carry 'S' as their smallest size, and for some, 'S' is simply still too big. I have probably scoured hundreds of stores to find that perfect 'S' and, so far, only Folded & Hung and Oxygen carry small-sized tees and collared shirts that passes my standards. And would you believe that they even have XXS size! Amazing.

3. Take it from the girls. It is an envious fact that women have more retail options than men. So why not start buying from the ladies' department? Look for tees, shirts, and jeans that look unisex enough to be worn by a guy. If cross-dressing is your thing, then that is a different story. If you're too shy to buy women's clothes yourself, then just pretend you're buying it as a gift or, better yet, bring a girl friend or even your sister!

So sashay down the street and make the world your runway!

the person behind karangkarot...

I am a typical guy that has been blessed with much love and talent. Love from my family and friends who are always there to support me. Deep down I am just a simple and true person. Most people say that I am a tough person, a person that fights for his right.

I used to be the type of person who was so concerned with being able to conform to all the norms or standards of the society because of my desire to be liked, loved, accepted and appreciated, now all that matters to me is that I am able to live a good spiritual life.

It doesn’t take a lot to make me happy. I find joy in really simple things. For as long as I am able to spent time with those people who are so close to my heart and for as long as I know that they’re always there for me, masaya na ko. It also makes me happy when I am able to do little things for them that somehow let them know how important they are in my life.

I always try to give 100% of myself in everything I do. I believe that this is the only way that I’d be able to live my life to the fullest and I’d be able to look back at the things I’ve done in the past with no regrets and no “what if’s”.